Two Hollywood Writers Write Prometheus

Two writers sit at opposite ends of a table in front of Macbooks.

 

Writer 1

                                    So there’s the CGI guy standing on a cliff drinking some black stuff.

 

Writer 2 

                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And there’s a big space ship above him.

 

Writer 1

                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Wait.  Why?

 Writer 2 

                                    Who the fuck cares?

 

Writer 1 

                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And he disintegrates and falls off the cliff.

 

Writer 2 

                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.   And his DNA turns black and then turns normal again.

 

Writer 1

                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then Jude Law….

 

Writer 2 

                                    We can’t afford Jude Law.

 

Writer 1 

                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So, this guy who looks kind of like Jude Law is 

                                    dying his hair and watching movies.

 

Writer 2 

                                     Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then Charlize Theron is like. . .

 

Writer 1 

                                     Wait, we can’t afford Charlize Theron.
PAUSE

 

Writer 2 

                                      So, Charlize Theron is like, “Wake them up” all bitchy.

 

Writer 1 

                                      Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So, poor mans’ Jude Law wakes all these 

                                      people up and Swedish Rooney Mara barfs.

 

Writer 2 

                                       Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then they eat “foods” and they’re all 

                                       like, “Why are we here?” 

 

Writer 1 

                                       Uh huh.  Uh huh.   Right, so we learn they got on a ship and 

                                       went to sleep for two years without knowing why.

 

Writer 2 

                                       Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Because they’re like, renegades.

 

Writer 1 

                                       Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then hologram Guy Pierce comes and 

                                       tells them why they’re all there.

 

Writer 2 

                                        Uh huh.  Uh huh.  But it doesn't matter what he says because 

                                        we won’t be listening because his old man make-up will be 

                                        so distracting.

 

Writer 1 

                                        Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And Charlize Theron will still be bitchy.

 

Writer 2 

                                        Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And we learn that poor mans’ Jude Law 

                                        has daddy issues.  Even though he’s a robot.

 

Writer 1 

                                        Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So, they get to the planet and go over to 

                                        this clearly man-mad structure, but they're like, “Is that man-

                                        made?”  “We don’t know!”  And poor mans’ Jude Law wears 

                                        a helmet, too, because he’s all, “I’m a real boy, father!”
 

Writer 2 

                                         Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then they’re like, “Whoa, we can totally 

                                         breathe down here!” because we don’t want to spend half the 

                                         movie looking at them with helmets on.

 

Writer 1 

                                         Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then hologram guys run by and their all 

                                          like, “Whoa.”

 

Writer 2 

                                          Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And they go in this room where there’s all 

                                           these canisters filled with black goo.

 

Writer 1 

                                           Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And one of the hologram guys turned into 

                                           an actual guy.  Who’s dead.  And they bring his head back to 

                                           the ship.

 

Writer 2 

                                            Uh huh.  Uh huh.   And Jude law sneaks some of the black 

                                            goo back to the ship.

 

Writer 1 

                                            Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And the one black guy in the movie is 

                                            monitoring two of the dudes who stayed behind and Charlize 

                                            Theron comes in and he’s like, “I would totally do you.” 

 

Writer 2 

                                             Uh huh.  Uh huh.    And she’s all bitchy.  Because that’s her 

                                             character.  So, he’s like, “Never mind”.  But then she’s all, 

                                             “How dare you not want to have sex with me!”

 

Writer 1 

                                              Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So they leave to go fuck.

 

Writer 2 

                                              Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then the two guys who stayed behind 

                                              get mouth raped by these penis-looking aliens with, like, 

                                              face wings.

 

Writer 1 

                                               Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So, Jude Law guy puts some black goo in 

                                               Swedish Rooney Mara’s boyfriend’s drink because, who cares?

 

Writer 2 

                                               Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then Swedish Rooney Mara and her 

                                               drugged boyfriend make sex. 

 

Writer 1 

                                                Uh huh.  Uh huh.  But first they have an overly emotional 

                                                discussion about how she can’t have kids. Which is really 

                                                upsetting because every woman wants to have children.

 

Writer 2 

                                                Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then he has a worm growing in his 

                                                eyeball and she’s like, “Dude, you don’t look so good.”  

                                                But they go to rescue the two guys who got face raped by 

                                                the penis aliens.

 

Writer 1 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And Jude Law guy sneaks off and watches 

                                                 hologram guys flying the ship, so he learns how to fly the ship.

 

Writer 2 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And then Swedish Rooney Mara is 

                                                 suddenly 3 months pregnant and she’s like, “Whaaaa?” 
                                                 And she asks for an abortion, but Jude Law guy is, like, 

                                                 Catholic, or something, so he won’t give her one.

 

Writer 1 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So she goes to the medical machine 

                                                 that Charlize Theron brought on board, even though it 

                                                 only works on men.  Because that makes sense.

 

Writer 2 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.  But she makes it give her an abortion.

 

Writer 1 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And she aborts a squid.

 

Writer 2 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.   And Jude Law guy goes and wakes up 

                                                  some CGI guys and they talk about something.

 

Writer 1 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.   And CGI guy gets on the ship and has 

                                                 a fight with a big giant squid.

 

Writer 2 

                                                 Wait.  The squid she aborted?

 

Writer 1 

                                                 Who the fuck cares?

 

Writer 2 

                                                 Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So they fight and they end up creating 

                                                 a third kind of alien.

 

Writer 1 and 2  

                                                  The Alien alien!

 

Writer 1

                                                  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  So then Swedish Rooney Mara goes 

                                                  back to the alien place and finds Jude Law’s head.

 

Writer 2 

                                                   Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Jude Law’s remorseful head.

 

Writer 1 

                                                   Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And she picks it up and puts it in a bag 

                                                   and then they fly away.

 

Writer 2 

                                                   Uh huh.  Uh huh.  And they all live happily ever after.

 

Writer 1 

                                                    Uh huh.  Uh huh.   Or DO they?
They laugh and high five.

The end.