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| This is disgusting. |
This is where I spout my brilliance.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
You Could Drive A Person Crazy
Kurt and I decided to bite the bullet and get Monty sleep-trained. We waited until we got his frenulum snipped to be sure that he wasn't having any nursing issues. I was still feeding him every hour at four months when he should have been able to go AT LEAST two (ideally three) between feedings. We were concerned that he wasn't getting enough at each feed because of his tongue tie, so we FINALLY got it taken care of. It took us four minutes to decide whether wanted to cut the end of his penis, which contains 20,000 to 70,000 nerve endings, off or not. It took us four months to decide whether we wanted to snip the tiny piece of tissue, with hardly any nerve endings, that was holding his tongue down to the bottom of his mouth, or not. We got so much conflicting advice on it, including from a speech pathologist who told us the surgery would make Monty lose trust in us. Because, you know, that's how babies work. The surgery took 10 seconds. I had to sit out in the hallway with my head between my legs. Monty cried for 30 seconds and then was completely fine. Although since then I'm pretty sure whenever he looks at me he thinks, "That's the cunt who made me feel pain that one time. Who's to say she won't do it again someday. HOW CAN I LIVE UNDER THESE CONDITIONS??!!" Whatever. His future partners will thank me.
Anyway, his tongue is normal now.
I skimmed The No-Cry Sleep Solution, The Sleep Easy Solution, the section on sleeping in Sears and Sears' Baby Book and talked to Monty's doctor and some friends. My friends were letting their babies cry it out. They were giving their babies the "gift of sleep", they said. The Sleep Easy Solution requires charts and graphs and stickers and math. There's also something about don't look at your baby and don't touch them. I don't know what parent of an infant has the wherewithal for that. The No-Cry Sleep Solution suggests checking in on your baby at intervals, eventually graduating to standing in the doorway of the nursery to reassure the baby to sleep. So, in those intervals, what, exactly, is the baby doing if not crying? And if he's not crying, why do I need to go in a reassure him? "Hey, I know you're not upset, but I just want to tell you, just in case you were thinking of being upset, you know, don't." I suppose just the fact that the author SAYS the baby isn't crying is enough? The author also refers to placing one's baby in their crib as "dumping" them there. Because nothing sells books like making people feel shitty about themselves. Sears and Sears basically advocate letting your baby sleep in your bed until he's ready for college.
I built sleep training up in my mind as this nearly insurmountable nightmare that was going to leave all three of us scarred for life. I was putting it off. Monty was still nursing every hour or so and I told myself he wasn't ready to sleep for long stretches.
I brought in a lactation consultant to help me figure out how to prolong the intervals between feedings. She quickly determined that we were not having a nursing issue. She asked me about his naps. We were lucky if he slept 30 minutes for each nap. She asked what time he took his naps.
"What time?" I asked. She might as well have asked me how often I see unicorns. "What TIME? When he's tired. I don't know."
"You don't put him down at set times?"
"You mean, awake? Like put him in his crib, just, awake?"
"Yes."
"Uh, no," (idiot) "I don't."
Monty rubbed his eyes.
"Why don't you put him down now."
"Awake?"
"Yes."
She also suggested I put him down on his belly since he was rolling over constantly anyway. (He can roll from front to back and back to front and can hold himself up, so don't get on me about SIDS. I've done the reading. If he dies of SIDS you can say you told me so, though if you do I will FUCKING HAUNT YOUR DREAMS.)
I put him in his crib, turned on the white noise and patted his back. He cried. Five minutes later I went back in and patted his back again and told him I loved him. He cried. Five minutes later I went in and patted his back and told him I love him. Three minutes later he was asleep.
And he slept for
two hours and 45 minutes.
We tried the same method that night at bedtime. Monty slept from 7pm to 2am, I fed him and then he slept again til 5:30am. And that's how it's been for the most part. Some nights he wakes up before 2 (which is when I've decided we'll do our nighttime feeding) and usually he wakes up once or twice in the second stretch. We pat his back and tell him we love him. Admittedly Kurt is better at this than I am.
The longest Monty has cried has been about 30 minutes with 5 minute check-ins. If he gets really worked up and is screaming, I usually fold and pick him up and start again. The books say I'm erasing all the work we've done when I pick him up. Oddly enough though, the next time is usually easier. He goes to sleep faster and with less fuss.
Last week I browsed a couple books on sleep at the yoga studio. Big mistake. Both told me I was basically abusing my child for not letting him sleep in our bed and/or running to him the moment he makes a peep. Never mind the fact that babies need their sleep and my son sleeps BETTER in his own crib. When I read "children who are left to cry in their cribs grow up to be emotionally unstable adults" I closed the book. It was written by Dr. Paul Fliess, Monty's first pediatrician. It's worth noting here that Dr. Fliess's daughter is Heidi Fliess. The infamous Hollywood Madam. So, I DEFINITELY want to follow his child rearing advice.
Last night we put Monty in his crib at 7pm. Despite the fact that, according to Dr. Fliess, we were traumatizing him by leaving him alone, he didn't cry or fuss. We watched him on the monitor for 15 minutes while he rolled around, chewed on his pacifier and rubbed his lovey on his face. And then he fell asleep. This morning, when he woke up, he was all smiles and cuddles. Clearly traumatized. Clearly emotionally unstable.
Here's the thing about child rearing books. Fuck them. Need to know how to set up a safe sleep environment? Look in a book. Need to know roughly how many hours of sleep your baby needs according to their age? Look in a book. Need to know how high a fever can get before it's dangerous? Look in a book.
The rest of it you already know how to do.
Here's some pictures of my abused, traumatized child at a pumpkin patch with his pal, Frida, on Saturday:
Anyway, his tongue is normal now.
I skimmed The No-Cry Sleep Solution, The Sleep Easy Solution, the section on sleeping in Sears and Sears' Baby Book and talked to Monty's doctor and some friends. My friends were letting their babies cry it out. They were giving their babies the "gift of sleep", they said. The Sleep Easy Solution requires charts and graphs and stickers and math. There's also something about don't look at your baby and don't touch them. I don't know what parent of an infant has the wherewithal for that. The No-Cry Sleep Solution suggests checking in on your baby at intervals, eventually graduating to standing in the doorway of the nursery to reassure the baby to sleep. So, in those intervals, what, exactly, is the baby doing if not crying? And if he's not crying, why do I need to go in a reassure him? "Hey, I know you're not upset, but I just want to tell you, just in case you were thinking of being upset, you know, don't." I suppose just the fact that the author SAYS the baby isn't crying is enough? The author also refers to placing one's baby in their crib as "dumping" them there. Because nothing sells books like making people feel shitty about themselves. Sears and Sears basically advocate letting your baby sleep in your bed until he's ready for college.
I built sleep training up in my mind as this nearly insurmountable nightmare that was going to leave all three of us scarred for life. I was putting it off. Monty was still nursing every hour or so and I told myself he wasn't ready to sleep for long stretches.
I brought in a lactation consultant to help me figure out how to prolong the intervals between feedings. She quickly determined that we were not having a nursing issue. She asked me about his naps. We were lucky if he slept 30 minutes for each nap. She asked what time he took his naps.
"What time?" I asked. She might as well have asked me how often I see unicorns. "What TIME? When he's tired. I don't know."
"You don't put him down at set times?"
"You mean, awake? Like put him in his crib, just, awake?"
"Yes."
"Uh, no," (idiot) "I don't."
Monty rubbed his eyes.
"Why don't you put him down now."
"Awake?"
"Yes."
She also suggested I put him down on his belly since he was rolling over constantly anyway. (He can roll from front to back and back to front and can hold himself up, so don't get on me about SIDS. I've done the reading. If he dies of SIDS you can say you told me so, though if you do I will FUCKING HAUNT YOUR DREAMS.)
I put him in his crib, turned on the white noise and patted his back. He cried. Five minutes later I went back in and patted his back again and told him I loved him. He cried. Five minutes later I went in and patted his back and told him I love him. Three minutes later he was asleep.
And he slept for
two hours and 45 minutes.
We tried the same method that night at bedtime. Monty slept from 7pm to 2am, I fed him and then he slept again til 5:30am. And that's how it's been for the most part. Some nights he wakes up before 2 (which is when I've decided we'll do our nighttime feeding) and usually he wakes up once or twice in the second stretch. We pat his back and tell him we love him. Admittedly Kurt is better at this than I am.
The longest Monty has cried has been about 30 minutes with 5 minute check-ins. If he gets really worked up and is screaming, I usually fold and pick him up and start again. The books say I'm erasing all the work we've done when I pick him up. Oddly enough though, the next time is usually easier. He goes to sleep faster and with less fuss.
Last week I browsed a couple books on sleep at the yoga studio. Big mistake. Both told me I was basically abusing my child for not letting him sleep in our bed and/or running to him the moment he makes a peep. Never mind the fact that babies need their sleep and my son sleeps BETTER in his own crib. When I read "children who are left to cry in their cribs grow up to be emotionally unstable adults" I closed the book. It was written by Dr. Paul Fliess, Monty's first pediatrician. It's worth noting here that Dr. Fliess's daughter is Heidi Fliess. The infamous Hollywood Madam. So, I DEFINITELY want to follow his child rearing advice.
Last night we put Monty in his crib at 7pm. Despite the fact that, according to Dr. Fliess, we were traumatizing him by leaving him alone, he didn't cry or fuss. We watched him on the monitor for 15 minutes while he rolled around, chewed on his pacifier and rubbed his lovey on his face. And then he fell asleep. This morning, when he woke up, he was all smiles and cuddles. Clearly traumatized. Clearly emotionally unstable.
Here's the thing about child rearing books. Fuck them. Need to know how to set up a safe sleep environment? Look in a book. Need to know roughly how many hours of sleep your baby needs according to their age? Look in a book. Need to know how high a fever can get before it's dangerous? Look in a book.
The rest of it you already know how to do.
Here's some pictures of my abused, traumatized child at a pumpkin patch with his pal, Frida, on Saturday:
Sunday, October 20, 2013
It's Called Gratitude. And That's Right.
I was just reading through a discussion thread about relationship dissatisfaction on a facebook group for moms and I came away feeling so relieved about my own situation. To hear other moms talk about their partners you can't help but wonder why they chose to have a child with them. Unless they suddenly became stupid, insensitive, and incompetent over night. "I don't understand. Before we had a child my partner was completely competent. Now he's the biggest blithering idiot I've ever seen. And his penis is also smaller." I appreciate that we're all tired and hormonal. And I appreciate that women like to complain about their spouses when we get in groups (The same way men like to talk about sports, I guess. Stereotypes are FUN!). I also appreciate how hard it is to have a baby under the best circumstances and many of us are dealing with other major life stresses. It just makes me sad to hear how much new parents seem to fight (If self-reporting is to be trusted.) when they need each other more than ever with a new baby to take care of.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm not Suzy Sunshine, but this whole experience has really changed my perspective about a lot of things. From the beginning, when Monty has been "difficult", as hard as it is, I find myself thanking my lucky stars that he's not colicky or worse. Yes, it's hard, but it could be so much worse. Case in point, we saw a baby in stroller today hooked up to an oxygen tank... Yes, we're on a pretty tight budget, but we have a great apartment in a safe, beautiful neighborhood, with two cars, and Kurt has a decent job. It could be a lot worse. Yes, Kurt is at the laundromat today doing three weeks worth of laundry (when we could be spending time together) because we don't have a washer/dryer. But we turn on the tap and drinkable water comes out of it. So, how can I really complain? True, I have no idea how I'm going to get my career going again and I feel like I'm dug into a hole that just keeps getting deeper, but I've had a few jobs already since Monty was born and work will come and at least I don't have to work at McDonalds. I hope.
Kurt and I have had a couple blow outs. I called him an asshole the other day. But I think about how much harder this would be without him and I apologize promptly and he does, too and we move on. We don't try to one up each other over whose life is harder. Yes, I'm home with Monty all the time and it's exhausting and challenging, but Kurt has to go to a job he hates and be away from us so that we have money to eat and live. What's the point in comparing? We're both doing what we need to do to raise our child to be a healthy, caring, smart person.
Also, it bears mentioning that Kurt and I were BROKEN UP when I found out I was pregnant. We didn't even MEAN to have a kid together. But we have him and we both recognize how important we are to each other and to our child.
Everywhere we look we're being conditioned to see the "opposite" sex as our enemy. It turns out that woman are not from Venus and men are not from Mars. There doesn't HAVE to be a battle of the sexes. There's enough competition in the work place. Let's try to keep that shit out of our personal lives. We're all just doing the best we can with what we have and we could all do with a little slack-cutting. Especially when it comes to the father of our children. This whole "Ugh, just let me do it!" mentality that I hear a lot of women express is demeaning. Let your partner be a partner in the raising of your child. If you're the one going to the parenting classes (because he or she is working), share what you learn so that your partner can be on the same page. That way, and I know this is going to sound INSANE, but that way, you don't have to feel like you have to do everything yourself. Instead of complaining that your partner doesn't have to get up every time the baby does to feed it, ask him to give the baby a bottle once or twice at night. If your baby doesn't take a bottle, ask your partner to sit up with you while you feed the baby. Tell him you need the emotional support. If he refuses, maybe he wasn't the best person to have a baby with? Your partner doesn't put your baby's diaper on the way you think it's supposed to be put on? How about you show him how you like it done. OR, let him diaper the kid the way he thinks it should be done. If the kid doesn't piss and shit all over himself and his circulation isn't being cut off, MAYBE his method of diapering is not stupid and wrong and "YOU'RE SO USELESS!!!!!" Equal parenting is a wild concept, I know, but I bet most of our partners are a lot better at parenting than we give them credit for.
Please understand, I am not saying that I never feel sorry for myself or sit on the couch and cry or fantasize about running away from home. I do. A lot. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But what I try not to do is take it out on Kurt. I know it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do, too. And I know he's a man and expresses himself differently than I do. But it doesn't mean that he's not freaking out and occasionally wanting to run away from home, too. It's just, we went into this together, we might as well try to act like a team.
The next time your partner is being insensitive or stupid or lazy, think about where you would be without him or her. Take a deep breath. Take a bath. Have a couple fingers of scotch. And sit down and talk like grown-ups. You already have an actual baby in the house no need to behave like one. (If you need to have a tantrum, have a tantrum. Then apologize to the person you chose to have a child with. The person you love enough to have made another human being with.)
Unless he really is a useless sack of shit. In which case, kick him to curb and move on.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm not Suzy Sunshine, but this whole experience has really changed my perspective about a lot of things. From the beginning, when Monty has been "difficult", as hard as it is, I find myself thanking my lucky stars that he's not colicky or worse. Yes, it's hard, but it could be so much worse. Case in point, we saw a baby in stroller today hooked up to an oxygen tank... Yes, we're on a pretty tight budget, but we have a great apartment in a safe, beautiful neighborhood, with two cars, and Kurt has a decent job. It could be a lot worse. Yes, Kurt is at the laundromat today doing three weeks worth of laundry (when we could be spending time together) because we don't have a washer/dryer. But we turn on the tap and drinkable water comes out of it. So, how can I really complain? True, I have no idea how I'm going to get my career going again and I feel like I'm dug into a hole that just keeps getting deeper, but I've had a few jobs already since Monty was born and work will come and at least I don't have to work at McDonalds. I hope.
Kurt and I have had a couple blow outs. I called him an asshole the other day. But I think about how much harder this would be without him and I apologize promptly and he does, too and we move on. We don't try to one up each other over whose life is harder. Yes, I'm home with Monty all the time and it's exhausting and challenging, but Kurt has to go to a job he hates and be away from us so that we have money to eat and live. What's the point in comparing? We're both doing what we need to do to raise our child to be a healthy, caring, smart person.
Also, it bears mentioning that Kurt and I were BROKEN UP when I found out I was pregnant. We didn't even MEAN to have a kid together. But we have him and we both recognize how important we are to each other and to our child.
Everywhere we look we're being conditioned to see the "opposite" sex as our enemy. It turns out that woman are not from Venus and men are not from Mars. There doesn't HAVE to be a battle of the sexes. There's enough competition in the work place. Let's try to keep that shit out of our personal lives. We're all just doing the best we can with what we have and we could all do with a little slack-cutting. Especially when it comes to the father of our children. This whole "Ugh, just let me do it!" mentality that I hear a lot of women express is demeaning. Let your partner be a partner in the raising of your child. If you're the one going to the parenting classes (because he or she is working), share what you learn so that your partner can be on the same page. That way, and I know this is going to sound INSANE, but that way, you don't have to feel like you have to do everything yourself. Instead of complaining that your partner doesn't have to get up every time the baby does to feed it, ask him to give the baby a bottle once or twice at night. If your baby doesn't take a bottle, ask your partner to sit up with you while you feed the baby. Tell him you need the emotional support. If he refuses, maybe he wasn't the best person to have a baby with? Your partner doesn't put your baby's diaper on the way you think it's supposed to be put on? How about you show him how you like it done. OR, let him diaper the kid the way he thinks it should be done. If the kid doesn't piss and shit all over himself and his circulation isn't being cut off, MAYBE his method of diapering is not stupid and wrong and "YOU'RE SO USELESS!!!!!" Equal parenting is a wild concept, I know, but I bet most of our partners are a lot better at parenting than we give them credit for.
Please understand, I am not saying that I never feel sorry for myself or sit on the couch and cry or fantasize about running away from home. I do. A lot. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But what I try not to do is take it out on Kurt. I know it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do, too. And I know he's a man and expresses himself differently than I do. But it doesn't mean that he's not freaking out and occasionally wanting to run away from home, too. It's just, we went into this together, we might as well try to act like a team.
The next time your partner is being insensitive or stupid or lazy, think about where you would be without him or her. Take a deep breath. Take a bath. Have a couple fingers of scotch. And sit down and talk like grown-ups. You already have an actual baby in the house no need to behave like one. (If you need to have a tantrum, have a tantrum. Then apologize to the person you chose to have a child with. The person you love enough to have made another human being with.)
Unless he really is a useless sack of shit. In which case, kick him to curb and move on.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Family Album
Monty is 5 months today!!!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Is Anyone Still There?
Faithful Readers,
I am well aware that it's been close to a month since I've posted an entry. My friend Jess, who built this awesome site for me, has reminded me on several occasions that I should be posting at least once a week if I want to get some kind of revenue. But here's the thing:
I am well aware that it's been close to a month since I've posted an entry. My friend Jess, who built this awesome site for me, has reminded me on several occasions that I should be posting at least once a week if I want to get some kind of revenue. But here's the thing:
THIS SHIT IS HARD.
My therapist said she sees couples who have full time nannies and house keepers and are still felled by their infants and to those people I say "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you."
If I had someone come in ONCE A WEEK for a couple hours it would be a huge help. As it is, I'm doing this alone (during the weekdays), and while I love Monty endlessly, trying to keep him entertained all day every day gets real old real fast. There are days I don't have time to eat, let alone write a blog entry.
I don't mean to....
Oh, he's awake.
Sigh.
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