Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Drop That Name

Choosing a name for your baby is an important decision. You want to pick something strong and beautiful. Something that will announce this person to the world with authority and grace. Something that says, "I am capable and smart and you want to spend time with me!" Pick the wrong name and your child will go through life with taunts like, "Lazy Daisy!", "Crazy Daisy!", or "Fucking Asshole!" ringing in her ears, tormenting her and preventing her from ever leading any kind of meaningful, worthwhile existence.

It's important to follow trends in baby names. That way the name that's really popular when your baby is born will hold weight when they're trying to be an adult. "Your NAME is Pilot????" Helps with the whole getting-a-job portion of the kid's life...

For now, we are calling the kid Krumholtz. It's what my parents called me when I was in the womb. But, clearly we will not be naming the kid Krumholtz Eagan Bloom. That would be akin to child abuse. "Banjo" is a much better choice, obviously.

It is with these factors in mind that I present to you the names we are currently considering for the turnip inside me:

Umbrella Eagan Bloom

Porcelain Eagan Bloom

Oregon Eagan Bloom

Frangellica Eagan Bloom

Astra Zeneca Eagan Bloom

Cyclone Eagan Bloom

Zeus Eagan Bloom

Aleutian Island Eagan Bloom

Twinkie Eagan Bloom

Park Slope Eagan Bloom

Captain Awesome Pants and the Might Three Eagan Bloom

There are also some important people in our lives we are considering honoring by passing on their names to our little poop factory to be:

Ms. Buterman Eagan Bloom

That Cat I Had When I Was a Kid That Ran Away and Probably Died in a Neighbor's Backyard Eagan Bloom

Fox Mulder Eagan Bloom

Lillian Gish Eagan Bloom

Negra Consuela Lopez Eagan Bloom

Tatum O'Neal Circa Paper Moon Eagan Bloom

Grandpa Eagan Bloom

TO BE CONTINUED (Eagan Bloom).....