Choosing a name for your baby is an important decision. You want to pick something strong and beautiful. Something that will announce this person to the world with authority and grace. Something that says, "I am capable and smart and you want to spend time with me!" Pick the wrong name and your child will go through life with taunts like, "Lazy Daisy!", "Crazy Daisy!", or "Fucking Asshole!" ringing in her ears, tormenting her and preventing her from ever leading any kind of meaningful, worthwhile existence.
It's important to follow trends in baby names. That way the name that's really popular when your baby is born will hold weight when they're trying to be an adult. "Your NAME is Pilot????" Helps with the whole getting-a-job portion of the kid's life...
For now, we are calling the kid Krumholtz. It's what my parents called me when I was in the womb. But, clearly we will not be naming the kid Krumholtz Eagan Bloom. That would be akin to child abuse. "Banjo" is a much better choice, obviously.
It is with these factors in mind that I present to you the names we are currently considering for the turnip inside me:
Umbrella Eagan Bloom
Porcelain Eagan Bloom
Oregon Eagan Bloom
Frangellica Eagan Bloom
Astra Zeneca Eagan Bloom
Cyclone Eagan Bloom
Zeus Eagan Bloom
Aleutian Island Eagan Bloom
Twinkie Eagan Bloom
Park Slope Eagan Bloom
Captain Awesome Pants and the Might Three Eagan Bloom
There are also some important people in our lives we are considering honoring by passing on their names to our little poop factory to be:
Ms. Buterman Eagan Bloom
That Cat I Had When I Was a Kid That Ran Away and Probably Died in a Neighbor's Backyard Eagan Bloom
Fox Mulder Eagan Bloom
Lillian Gish Eagan Bloom
Negra Consuela Lopez Eagan Bloom
Tatum O'Neal Circa Paper Moon Eagan Bloom
Grandpa Eagan Bloom
TO BE CONTINUED (Eagan Bloom).....