Monday, December 10, 2012

My Stinky Bellybutton

In today's email:

"Inees, outees, and childbirth class
Daisy, have you noticed your bellybutton changing? One thing you will notice, if you haven't already, is where you once had an "inee" you now have an "outee"! Your expanding uterus is pressing against your bellybutton and makes it stick out. If you have had an "inee" all your life, seeing your new "outee" will no doubt have you contemplating your navel."

I hadn't considered this yet, and I am totally PSYCHED to get an outie.  Here's why:

My bellybutton stinks.  It always has.  No amount of soap or rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide or witch hazel or lye can get the stink to go away.  Sometimes, for some reason I have never been able to fathom, a person will try to stick their finger in my bellybutton.  It's their funeral.  The thing smells like someone pooped on my stomach a few years ago and then someone else came along and barfed on it.  It's bad.

Here's an image I found when I Googled "cleaning bellybutton":

I'd say that's pretty accurate.

I should be clear.  The smell doesn't, like, radiate out from my navel.  I don't go around with a Pigpen-style cloud hovering around my stomach.  One can even put one's face next to my belly hole and still not smell a thing but my own natural musk (I smell like lavender and sunsets).   It's just if you happen to have occasion to stick something in there and sniff it you'll seriously rue the day.  And probably never speak to me again.

If you've ever been to a Korean spa you've no doubt seen the Korean ladies who sit in front of the low shower heads on those little plastic stools you can buy at the 99 cent store and scrub themselves silly for hours on end.  If you're a dude, hopefully you haven't seen this as that would be a serious fucking breech of security.  Maybe the little old Korean dudes do it, too.  I dunno.  I always imagine men in spas just giving each other handies non stop.  Anyway, these ladies use various washcloths and sponges and loofahs and just scrub the shit out of themselves.  Sometimes they also scrub eachother's backs.  It's actually kind of moving to watch.  You'd never see a group of little old white ladies touching each other like that in public.  There is something so efficient and business-like about the whole thing.  They have an entire routine down.  Also, they brush their teeth for, like, a half an hour.  It's crazy and it really makes you want to feel these ladies' skin.  I bet they feel like baby powder and silk and chocolate pudding and puppies.

Anyway, the minute that outie comes out, I'm grabbing my little plastic stool and my loofah and I'm scrubbing the living hell out of that thing until it bleeds.