Friday, May 3, 2013

The Letter

Dear Little Krumholtz,

I've been meaning to write to you for a while now, but it's hard to write to someone you don't know.  Like in 4th grade when they make you write to a penpal in Malawi.  All you end up writing is, "Dear Ngulinga, Hello!  My name is Daisy.  I live in Brooklyn.  I have to cats that are named Spot and Sofi Sofie Sophie.  I like them very much.  My favorite teem is The Mets.  What is your favorite teem?  My mom won't let me eat anything Nestles makes because she says they go into your country and tell wimen to use formula insted of brest milk.  Do you like formula?"  Meanwhile Ngulinga is like, "I have no shoes and I have to walk 5 miles every evening to get fresh water for my family so we don't all die of dysentery."  Also, I was a terrible speller in 4th grade.  You will be better.

You are due to arrive this Sunday, but I am reminded at every turn that you will probably be late.  I can't blame you, it's very dark in there and I don't think they gave you a map when you got there.  I hear if you have an iPhone you can't rely on the maps app that came with it.  Best to download Google maps.  If your smart phone isn't working (water damage, probably) or you don't have one, just head in the direction you're already facing:  Down.  That should do it.  If all else fails, just follow the sounds of shrieking.  That'll be me.

Your dad and I are about as ready as we can be.  Everything is all set up for your arrival.  I still try to walk as much as possible.  My midwife assures me that walking will help you "slide right out".  I think she may be exaggerating a touch.  I have now walked every inch of this neighborhood and have listened to about 6000 hours of This American Life.  Incidentally, wait til you hear my Ira Glass impression.  It will blow your mind.

There are so many things I want to teach you.  The world is a big, scary, wonderful place and I want you to have to best possible opportunities.  Basically I want you to be exactly like me, only much, much better.

With that in mind, here are some things you should know:
  •  Cats are assholes.
  • Math homework is stupid and you're right, you will never need to know how to calculate sine and cosine in the real world.  You will, however, need to know how to do that in order to pass to the next grade and therefore go to college and then get your masters and then your doctorate which, by the time you're ready to join the job market, you will need just to get hired as a "sandwich artist" at Subway.
  • "Sandwich Artist" is a thing.
  • People will tell you that bullies grow up to be fat, miserable people.  This is not necessarily true and anyway the point is moot.  When you're being bullied it hardly matters how that bully will end up in life.  The truth is bullies are shitheads, regardless of where they will end up.  Besides, you should feel bad for them.  Chances are they'll grow up to be Republicans.
  • If anyone ever bullies you I will seriously go all Tonya Harding on them.  I have no qualms maiming a child.
  • If you ever bully anyone I will make you wear a sign around your neck that reads, "I'm a douche".  I'm not kidding. 
  • Try to pick a recession-proof profession like lap dancing or plumbing.  No matter what the state of the economy is, people will always need a lap dance and clean pipes.
  • Don't buy bananas in bunches.  You will never eat all the bananas before they go bad and there's only so much banana bread you can make.
  • "The Office" was a really good show for about the first four or five seasons and then it went off the rails big time.
  • Feel free to practice whatever religion you want.  Just know that if you come home and tell us you're Wiccan we will not take you seriously.  Also, you will feel really stupid when you realize how much money you wasted on candles, sage and dream catchers.  But, you know, be who you are!
  • Always wipe from front to back.
  • Your father and I don't care who you love.  As long as they're not a member of the NRA.
  • Do not do any of the following things before you turn 30:
    • Get a tattoo
    • Get married
    • Enter show business
    • Get yourself/someone pregnant
  • Learn Chinese.  That way, when China takes the entire west coast of this country to settle up the massive debt we owe them, you will be ahead of the game. 
  • It is impossible to "foster" a dog After five minutes with the dog you will already be weeping over its eventual death.  Unless you are a sociopath.  So, if anyone asks you to foster a dog, be prepared to have that dog for the rest of its life.
  • Do not become the kind of person who has 7 million dogs.  I don't want to see you on Hoarders.
  • People will always post nonsensical, nasty or ignorant comments on even the most innocuous content you put on the internet.  Have some compassion.  They lack basic critical thinking skills and are convinced they have something useful to add to society.  Also, their mothers never loved them.
  • Don't be an alcoholic.  For one thing, I have too many of them in my life already and for another, just don't.
  • If you ever tell me you want to be an actor I will come down with sudden brain damage that renders me unable to understand words. 
And that's it.  That is everything you need to know to lead a healthy, productive, happy life.  I'm pretty sure that's it.

Oh, also?  Don't be a dick.

Here's a picture of you and me from last Sunday:

Over it

I love you very much.