Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Why You Don't Need to Lose 10 Pounds or Your Agent is a Douche Bag.

Recently I had the great pleasure of meeting a young actress who is relatively new to L.A.  While this kind of meeting is generally not one I would call "pleasurable", this particular young woman was wearing a gold dress and heels and looked like a Greek Goddess and seeing her was an actual pleasure.  I'm not entirely certain, but I think everywhere she goes she is back lit and one can hear a faint choir of angels.  She was a good looking broad, you dig?  I told her as much and she responded thusly, "Oh, thanks.  My agent says I need to lose 10 pounds, though."

Now, I'm no dummy.  I've been around the block a few times and I know the game.  But this woman was 5'6'' and maybe 120 pounds soaking wet.  I barked at her to have a seat and commenced with my diatribe.  How long had she been in L.A.?  "3 months."  Had she booked anything?  "No."  Had she been sent out on anything?  "No."  Had she ever been on TV?  "'E.R.' once."  When?  "2009."  Who was her agent?  "No Name Magee."  Was she aware that her agent was a half-witted asshat?  "Well, I am a little over weight."

Yes, we all know that Hollywood promotes the image of the underfed (to put it politely), vacant-eyed, baby-voiced, big-titted blonde as the ideal woman.  Any woman who has spent more than 2 months in the industry has been told she could stand to lose some poundage.  And that extends to writers, directors, P.A.s and on and on down the line.  Maybe she hasn't been told this explicitly, but it's implicit.  It's everywhere.  Sure, Leah Remini would DEFINITELY fuck a fat, dumpy, ugly sack of turd like Kevin James.

But here's the thing.  If No Name Magee hasn't even been able to get you an audition, it ain't because you need to lose 10 pounds.  If you're going out several times a week and not booking and the feedback is always, "We like her, but she needs to lose 10 pounds," then, yes, lose 10 pounds. 

Let me be clear.  I am not ADVOCATING or helping to promote the unrealistic, unhealthy "ideal" that Hollywood is pushing.  But, if you are trying to book a job in Hollywood and you are a pretty young woman, there are certain things you need to do, for example be really, really skinny.  And yes, I know there are many exceptions, but I'm talking about a type here, folks.  I'm talking about the "pretty young woman" type and she is, with VERY few exceptions, really, really skinny. 

So, by all means, lose 10 pounds.  Have at it.

But, if No Name Magee hasn't even gotten you an appointment, it ain't the size of your ass that's the problem.  It's No Name Magee that's the problem.  Your agent's job is to get you in the room.  Agents who type actors out of roles without submitting them are shitty agents.  You remember Jorge Garcia?  You know, the guy who played Hurley on "Lost".  Jorge was the first person cast on "Lost".  


And you know what part he originally auditioned for?  Sawyer.