Friday, November 25, 2011

Difficult Answers to Probing Questions

I use a contact management site to update my subscribers on my goings-on (when I actually take the time to put together a newsletter).  One of the features of this site is the "Ask a question!" feature which affords the subscriber some sense of interaction with the subscribee, which, in this case, of course, is me.  Subscribers are given the option of using a screen name or remaining anonymous when posing said questions.  Thus far all of the questions posed to me via this service have been from subscribers who have chosen to reveal their identities and have all been fairly innocuous.  Until now.

Recently I logged on to find two questions posted back to back from "Anonymous", the substance of which was just too important to confine to this subscriber-only service.  I felt, in order to do these fine questions justice, I should answer them somewhat more publicly.

The questions were, "Who has better tits:  Lidsey Lohan or Daisy Eagan?" and "Playboy magazine recently paid Lindsey Lohan almost one million dollars to appear in their magazine.  How much would Playboy have to pay Daisy Eagan?"

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, I would like to thank you for taking the time to search me out online and subscribe to my newsletter.  To go the extra mile and ask me not one, but two probing questions just shows how committed you are.  And finally, to ask the questions anonymously shows a real lack of ego.  It says, "I don't need credit for asking these thoughtful questions!  I will remove myself from the equation so that the answers alone will be the focus and not the (brilliant) person behind the Terry Gross-esque queries."  So, thank you fine sir, or lady.

As to your first question, "Who has better tits:  Lidsey Lohan or Daisy Eagan", I am afraid to say that I can not answer this question.  For one thing, I have never seen Lidsey Lohan's tits.  Hold on.  Okay.  I just did a Google images search.  It took me a minute because initially I did a search for "Lidsey Lohan naked" and Google asked me if I meant "Lindsay Lohan naked" which caused some confusion as I know you had asked specifically about Lidsey Lohan's tits.  Then I thought maybe you had made a mistake and were asking about Lindsay Lohan and not Lidsey Lohan, and then I realized there are no famous people named Lidsey Lohan, so you most likely meant Lindsay Lohan, unless you were actually referring to a woman named Lidsey Lohan, in which case I would be at a dead end because I can't find any information on a Lidsey Lohan, let alone pictures of her tits.  Also, I would feel mighty sorry for a person name Lidsey, wouldn't you?  If you actually know a Lidsey Lohan, please apologize to her for me and tell her I didn't mean anything by that last comment.  Also, she might want to consider a name change.  It just causes a lot of confusion.

So, I can only answer your question this way, I don't know if Lidsey Lohan's tits are better or worse than mine.  As for Lindsay Lohan's tits, mine are better.

On to question number two in regards to how much money it would take for me to appear in Playboy magazine.  You point out that Lindsey Lohan was given almost a million dollars.  Okay, I see what happened!  You thought her name was spelled Lindsey and you further erred by typing Lidsey, so I was doubly thrown off track.  I'm so glad I've gotten that part cleared up!

Okay, so LINDSAY LOHAN was given nearly one million dollars to appear in Playboy magazine and how much would it take for me to appear in Playboy.  Well, Anonymous, let me answer you this way, I would happily appear in Playboy magazine for free as long as it was for an in-depth interview about my career and my impact on gender equality through popular media accompanied by tasteful photos of me in pants and a turtle neck feeding Hugh Hefner into a meat grinder.  Now, I know that's a reference to Hustler magazine, not Playboy and I'm sure Larry Flynt would be offended by the comparison, but really, what's the difference?  Once you've seen one vagina photoshopped to look like that of a 5-year-old's, you've seen them all, haven't you?

And so, in closing, Anonymous, I hope I have done your questions justice.  They were so thought-provoking and edgy.  Thank you for taking the time to get to know me in such a meaningful way.

Give my love to Lidsey.

Daisy Eagan

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